Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! This year is going to be filled with many exciting changes for our family! The holiday season is over and we can start focusing on our main goal of 2012...adopting a baby! We have a laundry list of things we can focus on while we continue to wait for our home study to start...

1. Paint the nursery.

2. Furnish the nursery.

3. Write our Dear Birthmother letter.

4. Complete our adoption book.

5. Put together a picture video/slideshow for birthmothers to view.

6. Continue to work on our finances with our financial advisor to make adoption less stressful.

7. Start our Adoption Puzzle...more information to follow. :)

 We wish you and your family a Happy New Year and hope that all of your goals and dreams become realities in 2012!

Thanks, Auntie Tricia!

I think our child is going to be very spoiled! My sister is ready to be an aunt. She gave us some cute baby things for Christmas. Thanks, Auntie Tricia!!  :)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! We hope everyone has a wonderful day with family and friends! We are enjoying our time in Ohio.. The only thing missing is the snow!  

Go Bucks!

Michael and I went to the the OSU/USC basketball game yesterday. We thought we might be one of a few OSU fans...boy were we wrong! I would say the audience consisted of 75% OSU fans and 25% USC fans. We had rounds of O-H-I-O going in the arena there were so many OSU fans! I felt bad for the few USC fans that were in our section since it was a home game for them and they were out numbered by us. We had great seats...13 rows up from under the basket. It was a nice way to start off my holiday break!

Self Portrait...I have way too many double chins when we do this. :)

OSU warming up.

Sea of Scarlet and Grey!

Final Score

Happy Birthday, mom!

Happy Birthday, mom! You are fabulous, wonderful, and the best in the world! I wish I could celebrate with you! Have a great day and don't lift a finger...let Jay do all the work! :) Love you tons!

My Dream

My Dream

By Kathy L. Nadeau

        I dream about a child to come

A child to share our home
A home of toys, and swings, and games,
Of laughter, hugs, and love.

I dream of a baby's crib and toys
Bottles, diapers, and things
Strollers, walkers, a bassinet,
And lullabies to sing.  

I dream of having a little child
Even the "terrible twos"
Teaching, guiding, and loving
Seeing what he or she can do.  

I dream of sending a child to school
Being in Brownies or Scouts
To watch him learn and grow each day
Seeing what life is about.  

I dream of Christmas morning
Presents around a tree
Singing, sharing, a precious time
Will it ever be?  

I dream of summer vacations
Children crammed in a family car
Going camping, having picnics
Sleeping under the stars.  

In my dream of motherhood
I do not now have a part
I pray my dream comes true in life

And not just in my heart.  

I receive an infertility newsletter called Stepping Stones. It is an infertility resource for Christian couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss. This poem was in the latest newsletter, and I felt it summed up my feelings perfectly.

Really?

Throughout this journey of trying to have a child, I have had good and bad days. Unfortunately, today was a not so good day. I decided that since it has been a month since our adoption training I would email the agency to see if they could give us a time frame of when our home study would start. I was nervous about the answer, but hopeful it would be good. I'm glad I didn't check my email until after school because it wasn't what I wanted to read. They have several more home studies to complete before they start ours so it looks like we have a few more months to wait...

Really? I'm so tired of waiting!!!!! I WANT A BABY!!! I don't know how else to say it anymore. I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of grieving, I'm tired of bad news...I'm just exhausted!

When? When does our good news come? When do we get to be parents? When will I be emotionally drained with exciting times and not sad ones?

This has been the hardest journey I have ever been on...not to mention the longest...3 1/2 years and counting.

What felt like a kick in the gut was that on top of the news about the home study...my cycle started! I knew I wasn't going to be pregnant...I've come to grips with that, but it felt like someone was playing a sick joke on me.

Today's post is not about being patient, it is not about me trying to stay hopeful...it is just me venting! I really needed to after the day I've had!

Thankful for...

I am thankful for many things in my life (in no particular order)...

1. My loving parents, step-parents, and in-laws! I'm very fortunate to have such a good relationship with all of them.

2. My wonderful, loving husband who doesn't mind cooking...since I hate it. :)

3. My health and the health of my family.

4. My sister...even though we are very different and disagree at times...I love her! 

4. My fabulous friends!

5. My adorable and cuddly kitty...Trixie!

6. That my 93 year old grandma is still in good health...I can only hope my mom will be around that long and that their genes were passed to me!

7. Summer vacations with my family!

8. My teaching job...although it can sometimes be challenging dealing with students and parents...I love working with 3rd graders!

9. The adoptive parents I have met since we started this journey. They are great resources and supporters! 

10. A roof over my head, food on the table, and the funds to live with the necessities I need. 

11. The ability to adopt a baby who is in need of a loving home and family!

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving and take time to be thankful for all the wonderful things in your life!

Wise Words

I received some wise words from an adoptive parent this evening who was wondering how I was doing. She said..."You are a mom, God put your baby in your heart, you are just waiting for him to put your baby in your arms." She also said..."Don't ever think you didn't go through "labor". You are going through it now." The thoughts she shared with me really made me stop and think. This has been a long and hard labor! My body may not be changing physical, but it is changing emotionally.

I'm really rather pathetic...Our school had their talent show last night and watching all those cute children perform, with proud parents watching and cheering them on, made me emotional because it is something I have longed for for so long.

I have to go to the OBGYN tomorrow for my yearly exam, and I'm not really looking forward to it...not for reasons most women hate to go, but because I don't really want to be around a bunch of happy pregnant women. The office also reminds me of all the visits I had to make during my short 10 week pregnancy, when I was having complications, and when she finally told me the baby's heart stopped beating.

I continue to try to stay positive and patient. I know that our baby is waiting to be placed in our arms and home. He/she will be surrounded and smothered with so much love!

Day of Shopping

We spent all day yesterday in Charlotte shopping and watching football. It was nice to get out of town for a little while. We shopped at IKEA (one of my favorite places), took time out at Buffalo Wild Wings (one of Michael's favorite places) to watch OSU and USC, and did some more shopping at Concord Mills, an indoor outlet mall.

We haven't shopped much lately, since we have been trying to save money, but I did buy a few things for myself at LOFT Outlet. I figure once a baby comes I won't be spending any money on myself, so I can splurge a little now. I've never really noticed people's strollers before, but every time we passed one I would try to check it out.

While at Ikea we did buy our first item for the nursery...2 thin, white picture ledges. We  have a long black one in our bedroom and I love it. There was also the cutest stuffed elephant, but we passed on it

This isn't our shelf, but this is the one we bought..minus the pictures.

We bought a paint sample a few weeks ago and I painted a little of the wall today so we can get a feel for whether we like it or not. Hopefully...we will paint the room sometime soon!

References

All of our references received their forms this past week!! This is a step in the right direction! Thanks for being a part of our adoption process!

Holiday Season

We had lots of trick-or-treaters last night. I didn't have much candy left, but what was left I took to school for my treat box. I love seeing all the pictures of friends with their children dressed up for Halloween! All the children are so cute in their costumes and family pictures. While looking at them I started to get a little sad.

Halloween seems to be the start of a busy holiday season that can be emotional at times. This will be our 4th holiday season since trying to have a child. Every year around this time I always think...we will surely have a child by this time next year and of course I'm starting to think that way. Once again our Christmas card will only consist of Michael and myself while we will receive card after card of family pictures.

I know 2012 will be a great year for us! We have been on a very long journey and I know it will have a happy ending eventually. When will that happy ending come? I don't know, but I know we are headed down the right path and we have to continue to be patient. It continues to be a struggle at times, but it will be worth it in the end. I'm going to continue to believe that surely we will have a child by this time next year and a holiday season to share with a third Rataiczak. 

Emotional Day

I wasn't expecting today to be so emotional! I seemed to have watery eyes quite a bit during the morning sessions. We discussed topics such as when to tell your child he/she is adopted, what the home study will involve, we listened to a birth mother's story, a lawyer discussed legal issues, we listened to three sets of adoptive parents speak, we discussed financial issues, and the topic of post adoption. Michael spoke up a few times to discuss his story of adoption and several people had questions for him.

I have so much information to digest! I can't even begin to list everything that is going through my head. We have been so excited to get the ball rolling, but once again we have more waiting to do. The agency is behind on their home studies. They are still finishing up couples who attended the September training session. Once they are done with them they will start our group in the order that we completed our formal application. If you remember, we were the third couple. So...for now we sit and wait for them to call us and let us know when they are ready to start our home study. We can call every couple weeks to check in, but I'm not going to get my hopes up that it will be anytime soon. I wish we could use someone else to complete our home study, but they require that you use their social worker so they feel like they really know you...it makes sense, but it's frustrating too.

While we wait we are going to go ahead and start working on the nursery and preparing our adoption book. We will also start writing the letter to the birth-mother and video (picture) slideshow that will go on the website when our home study is completed. Working on these things will help keep my mind occupied and hopefully make time move faster!

Wordless Wednesday

 

 

 

Excited for Meeting

Friday is quickly approaching! This week is a busy week at school, so I know Friday will be here before I know it. I'm excited to attend the meeting and to start the home study!

Michael has some days off this week so he is organizing things around the house, clearing out our nursery, and other odds and ends. Oh, how I wish southern houses had basements. It is so hard to figure out where to store things.

I will be happy to say TGIF this week! :)

Research

I've been doing quite a bit of research lately on cribs, mattresses, car seats, etc. Thank goodness for the internet! I love searching through the web for different baby items. I can't wait until we actually purchase something. Our neighbors had a garage sale this weekend and they were selling a glider and ottoman. I stopped over to see how much they were asking for it...only $16, but I would have had to reupholster it and the wood wasn't the right color so I passed. I think she ended up selling it for $14...great deal! She also had tons of cute baby girl clothing...if only we knew what sex we were going to adopt.

I'm getting more antsy to start preparing, but I'm trying to stay in the moment too. I don't want to miss the present because I'm looking towards the future, but I'm finding that hard to do!

Overwhelming

I had a great weekend with my mom! We did lots of shopping on Saturday and Sunday, but didn't spend much money. The goal was to check out cribs and other baby necessities. We got a great lesson on travel systems (car seat, stroller, and base) from a very informative male sales associate at Babies R Us. This is really the first thing we will need. I don't think the adopton agency will be too keen on letting us take a baby home without a car seat.

I was a little overwhelmed in Babies R Us. I think it was the fact that there was so much to look at and pregnant women everywhere. It felt weird to ask questions because I obviously don't look pregnant so I felt the need to tell the sales associates that I'm adopting.

We won't have much money to spend once we "buy" our baby so I went on Craigslist to see what goodies people had listed. I found some good prices on gently used baby must haves. I've never bought anything on Craigslist, but it will probably be something Michael and I consider since we'll need to be financially responsible. Of course, I would love to have baby items that are brand new and a color or pattern I love, but I have to remember that having a precious baby is more important than material possessions.

"Mommy Fix"

I am very close to my mom and whenever I talk to her on the phone Michael always says I'm getting my "mommy fix". I'm so excited because her and my step-dad are coming tomorrow for the weekend. I haven't seen her since July and I'm due for a "mommy fix". She is going to go to school with me on Friday and then we are going to do some baby shopping while Michael and Jay go to the Gamecock game.

It feels wierd to say I'm going to go baby shopping. I feel funny doing it because we aren't pregnant and it could be awhile before we get a baby, but I've waited almost 4 years to be a mom...why can't I start to get excited about the possibility that it might happen within the next year? Women who are pregnant get nine months to prepare...I could possibly have a baby within 9 months so I'm going to start preparing too! Just because I can't have my own child doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to go through all the exciting steps of preparing a nursery and buying cute baby items. As someone told me..."baby items don't go bad or spoil" so they will be waiting for our baby whenever we are blessed to bring one into our lives and home.

Crazy Week

Thank goodness we finished our application before this week hit! Parent Teacher Conferences have consumed my life. I'm so happy that tomorrow is Friday! I did however enjoy a massage on Tuesday. I've used infertility procedures to justify my massages in the past, but now I'm hooked! Jen is just so good and they are only $40! I did take my first bubble bath in a couple of years. I'm not sure what came over me, but I plugged my iPod into the speakers, lit a candle, and sat there for almost an hour. Trixie, our cat, sat on the edge and watched the bubbles and water drip out of the faucet. The only cat I've ever met who loves water. I probably shouldn't get too used to bubble baths...I'm sure I won't have time for them when we become parents. All I can say is...thank goodness tomorrow is Friday!

Lucky #3

Michael dropped off the paper work this morning and we were the THIRD couple to turn in our formal application!!!!! This means we will be attending an all day training session on Friday, October 28th. The 28th feels like it is so far away, but if we hadn't been one of the first three to turn in our paper work...December would have seemed like an eternity. Michael and I are thrilled!!!!

Will We Be Accepted?

We have completed everything on the checklist for our formal application!!!! Michael is going to hand deliver all the paperwork and our application fee to the agency on Monday. We have worked hard to get everything completed quickly. If we aren't one of the first three couples from the Columbia office to turn it in...than I don't know what else we could have done. We do have to complete our physicals, but they allow that to come in later. Once we get word that we are accepted, I will breathe a little easier. I'm not sure when we will find out, but hopefully sooner than later. We will keep everyone posted!

Signatures Galore

Michael and I spent hours completing paper work today! All this paper work is part of our formal application.We are almost done, but we have a few that have to be signed with a witness, we still need to write our testimonies, we have an appointment for our finger printing on Wednesday and we need to get four copies of a picture of us and of our house. I'm exhausted and feel like the day has flown by, but I know that this will all be worth it in the end!

Forms, Forms, and More Forms

I received an email that our formal application was received and along with it came many, many more forms to fill out!!! I do have a checklist to make sure I have everything...I love checklists. The agency will also be mailing even more forms. It is a little overwhelming scanning the forms we have to fill out and the copies we will need to make of certain documents. The due date is October 21st, but remember we need to get them in as soon as possible so we are one of the top 3 couples from the Columbia Bethany branch to attend the next meeting and keep moving along with the process. 

Not only does Bethany get to learn everything about us, but we are learning about us too!

Formal Application Sent

Michael and I spent most of Saturday afternoon completing our formal application to Bethany and I just hit the send button...it is done via the internet. They know pretty much everything about us! What are salaries, assets, and loans are to the dimensions of the bedrooms in our house. I think if everyone who wanted to be a parent had to go through the paper work we have done and will do...there would be fewer children in the world. :)

Informative Meeting

We attended our first adoption meeting today. We feel a little more informed about the adoption process through Bethany. They discussed domestic and international adoption as well as embryo adoption and older child adoption. There were more couples there than I had anticipated...probably around 13.

Lots of our questions were answered during the presentation...the average wait time is 1 year from the time the formal application is accepted (the presenter did say that the longest a couple had to wait was 5 years), home studies aren't as long as we had thought...around 4 months at the most. The "bulk" of the money we have to pay is due at the time of placement. We also found out that once a birth mother gives us her child the state of SC doesn't allow revocation. Some states allow the birth mother to change her mind within a certain number of days...ex. 30 days after the birth. I like the fact that she can't because I would hate to form a bond with a baby only to have him/her taken away from us.

The next step...we now have to fill out our formal application. When they receive it they will send us more paperwork that needs to be completed. We will also have to get physicals done. The next training meeting is on October 28th, but they are only accepting 10 couples from the whole state. The state has three offices. They are accepting the couples in the order that they receive all the paperwork. You can garuntee I'm already on top of it! We WILL get into that meeting because the next one isn't until December.

Adoption works just like fertility treatments...you complete one step and wait for the next. As I continue to say...we have waited more than 3 years for a baby...I guess we can wait a little longer.

Plenty to Read and Think About

This weekend I received the adoption books I ordered. I have plenty to read for awhile!

We go to our informational meeting on Friday.  How are we going to pay for adoption? How long will a home study take and what is all involved?  How long does an average adoption take? Will we consider adopting any race? Do we want an open, semi-open, or closed adoption? etc... I think once we attend the meeting and get some answers to the questions we have it will really start to sink in that we are going to adopt a baby.

Prescription...Deep Breathing

I went for my stress test today. It consisted of getting on a treadmill with lots of wires stuck to me. I started off slow and as I proceeded the incline got steeper and the pace got faster. I did learn that I need to start working out again. It has been awhile because of the frozen embryo transfer and then having the chest discomfort and not knowing what it was. However, the results were normal. My blood pressure and heart rate did exactly what they were suppose to do so we are done testing my heart. Dr. Jani wants me to practice deep breathing, meditating, yoga, and take my Xanax when needed. It is good to know that my heart is healthy...that does take a big stressor off of me.

I guess my students and I will be doing a lot of deep breathing in class. At least they are already used to it...I just wish they understood that deep breathing doesn't need to involve a dramatic sound and face.

Adoption Books

I ordered some books through Amazon this weekend..."You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide", "Adopt Without Debt: Creative Ways to Cover the Cost of Adoption", and "Successful Adoption: A Guide for Christian Families". Hopefully, these books will answer some of our questions, give us a better idea of what to expect, and give us incite into issues we may have not thought about. I've read articles online, but I prefer to have a book in my hand while reading.

I changed the description of our blog. I figured we are moving past the infertility part of our lives and on to another journey! One that I know will also be a roller coaster, but hopefully will have a happier ending!

Doctor Follow Up

I had my follow up appointment today with the doctor for my chest and back issues. The last two days have been much better, so I'm either less anxious and stressed or whatever ailed me is going away...however he wants me to do a stress test. I will go back on Monday, in my workout gear, for it. He wanted me to go in tomorrow morning, but I told him I'm a teacher and seeing how it was already 4:30pm it would be stressful to get a sub and make sub plans for the next morning. So I will be put on a treadmill and they will do whatever a stress test involves. I'm a little nervous seeing as how I haven't worked out in forever because of the frozen embryo transfer in July and then I was scared to because of my chest discomfort.

Oh, and you should see the bruise on my arm from the IV for my CT Scan. It looks like someone repeatedly hit me...fortunately is doesn't hurt. I just tell people Michael beats me. ;)

Only three weeks into school and I think I need a vacation!!

First Approval

We filled out the preliminary application for Bethany Christian Services and it was approved. It really just involved our contact information, what type of child we were willing to adopt, what church we attend, our occupations, etc.. When I sent the application via the internet the response said we would be contacted within two weeks and they would let us know if we had been approved. I told Michael and he said...approved! Yes, we can't have biological children so now we need someone to tell us whether we are fit to be parents.

The next part of the process is to attend a informational meeting on Friday, September 9th. I've put together an adoption binder. It consists of information I find that is helpful and a long list of questions we need answered. I continue to read up on home studies and am doing research on a couple books that might be worth purchasing.

So we had our first approval...hopefully one of many on this journey.

What a week!

The students started back to school on Monday. I've had several long days and I feel like I can't get everything done. It is hard to come back on a full week. My class seems good so far...a little chatty and some energetic boys, but I guess that comes with the age. :)

Today was a hectic one. I went to the doctor this morning because I've been having chest "pains" and pain in my back too. I've been having them for about two weeks, but I'm not one to go running to the doctor and I finally decided I needed to go yesterday. My blood pressure and pulse were both normal so they took blood, and did an ekg, which also looked normal. The blood work results will come back next week. We discussed the fact that I've been on fertility treatments and that one of the side effects of the hormones I've been on are blood clots. We decided that it would be best to rule it out with a CT Scan. After school, I had that done and it came back normal too. (It was an interesting experience...especially when they put the dye in my IV. The dye gives off a warming sensation throughout the whole body and even makes you feel like you have to go the bathroom.)

While all of this is good news, I'm the type of person what wants an answer and all we can figure out right now is that it is due to stress and anxiety. Me? I haven't had any of that lately? LOL...so the doctor prescribed me Xanax and I go back on Thursday for a follow up appointment.

Of course, like usual, I'm worried about the cost of everything I had done today. Just when we think we can start saving money for adoption...we will have a few more medical bills. Although, I do realize that the tests I had done today were worth every penny because it is my health! I have to be healthy so I can be a great mom when we finally bring home our baby. :)

Pregnant Flight 93 Victim Honored by Husband's Lasting Tribute

I logged on to the internet this evening and saw this story on the front page of Yahoo. Michael and I have longed to be parents and we need to be thankful that we still have the opportunity to do just that. My heart broke for this widow, but what a great way to honor his wife's memory. I have grieved over the lose of not being able to have a child, but he has had to go through so much more. After watching the video, I am very thankful for everything I have in my life!
To read the article or watch the video click here. 

New Journey

I made my last visit to Dr. Moore's office this week for my final blood work. My HCG is now at zero. I told Michael I'm not opposed to doing more fertility treatments, but at this point in my life I don't think I can take another one. Maybe down the road it will be something we decide to revisit, but for now we are moving on.

We have decided to adopt. This isn't something we just decided to do in the last couple of days...we have discussed it quite a bit over the last several months. We started researching it and have contacted an agency...Bethany Christian Services. There is so much to learn about the process, many questions we need answered, and so many decisions to be made. It is scary, but exciting too! We are looking forward to this new journey!

The Storm

The sermon today at church couldn't have come at a better time. It was titled "Trusting Jesus in the Storm". The last couple of years have been a "storm". I've been so caught up in it and have wanted  to control everything, but I really didn't have much control over the "storm". I have to keep believing that God has a plan for us and he isn't ready to reveal it. I must admit it has been so hard to trust God when we keep getting disappointed.

While what we have just been dealt has been hard to deal with...the timing worked out well. I've been able to grieve and relax so my body can get back to normal before I go back to work. I know there will still be moments when memories of the "storm" will hit me, but I will do my best to stay strong and allow God to get me through it.

Rock Bottom

The HCG levels in my body have dropped from 213 to 48. Even though I knew this was probably coming...I still had a glimmer of hope. I thought I was pretty well prepared for the results, but it is impossible to be ready for such devastating news.

One miscarriage at 10 weeks, four failed IUI's, one chemical pregnancy with IVF, and another one with FET. I'm physically and emotionally drained! I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm numb, and I'm jealous of every women who has been/or will be blessed with a child.  I've yelled, I've cried, and I just feel like sleeping for hours so I don't have to think. I feel like I have hit rock bottom.

I can finally stop all my meds, but the bleeding and cramps could continue to last for a week or two...fabulous! I will have to go in one more time next week just to make sure all the hormones are out of my body. The good news is I start back to work on Monday so I will stay busy. However, Monday is my birthday and there was nothing I wanted more than a baby.

Results

213...is my HCG. A 25 means you are pregnant. I should be thrilled right? Once again I feel like we are on the road to heartbreak. I've been bleeding and crampy this weekend and today it has been the worst. I took a pregnancy test on Saturday and it was positive so I had an idea that I would be pregnant, but we've not been joyous about it since my bleeding points to another miscarriage. Cherub says I should stay optimistic, but when all we know is disappointment it is very hard!

It is basically another waiting game. I will go in on Wednesday for more blood work. We need to see if my HCG is going down or up. Going down would mean a miscarriage and going up would be great, but concerning because of the heavy bleeding I'm having today.

How do I stay busy and pass the time between now and Wednesday morning? Sitting and feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help anything or change the results. I have a workday with my team Tuesday at school so at least I will keep busy tomorrow.

I will share the results of my blood work on Wednesday. We should definitely know what is going on then.

Scared

                               (Warning: this might be too much information.)
I'm scared of being pregnant and I'm scared of not being pregnant. I'm so emotional this evening...I don't know how I'm going to wait until Monday to find out what is going on. I DON'T like spotting. It brings back too many memories of my miscarriage. I've continued to spot brown and pink since Saturday and it is heavier after I put my progesterone in...so needless to say I don't enjoy those three times each day.

Of course I do what I know I shouldn't and search the web for what might be going on with my body. Many forums say it is normal to have spotting during early pregnancy, but on the other hand I start seeing words like ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancies are when the embryo implants somewhere outside of the uterus...usually in a fallopian tube. One would think this wouldn't occur when you are undergoing IVF, but it is actually quite possible. Some forums also say that spotting is quite common when one is on progesterone suppositories because it can irritate the cervix and lining. Why do I even attempt to find answers on the internet?

I'm scared to get pregnant again because I will be on pins and needles everyday worried that something will happen to my pregnancy causing me to miscarry again. I'm scared of not being pregnant because this is our last chance. If it doesn't work we may never have a biological child and I know I will feel like a failure as a woman.

I need strength to get me through this weekend and to get through whatever the outcome is on Monday because I'm scared of both possibilities.

FET Update

It's been awhile since I have posted. We are in Pennsylvania visiting my mom and step-dad. It has been good to be away from home so I'm not constantly thinking about my pregnancy test, however...I had an emotional morning yesterday... (warning...the following might be too much information)

I have had a brownish color discharge since Saturday and it has shown up a little more each day. I have also had very mild cramps. Now these symptoms could be good or bad. It seems like all symptoms could go one way or the other. I decided to call Cherub just to confirm what I thought she would tell me, but her voicemail said she would be out of the office until Monday so I called down to Charleston. Lynn called me back to confirm that either a) I will have a positive pregnancy test and the discharge is implantation or just what some women have when they are pregnant or b) I will have a negative pregnancy test and it is my period trying to start, but since I'm taking progesterone suppositories it isn't allowing it to. Either way I can't do anything about it and will have to wait and see what the pregnancy test shows.

Technically, I should go in for a test on Friday morning, but since we are flying home that day...I can't. I'm scheduled to go in on Monday morning since they won't be able to run the blood work over the weekend. I said I wouldn't take a HPT (home pregnancy test), but since I'm going in late I may take one this weekend just to prepare myself for Monday. I don't have a very good feeling about it being positive because of what is going on with my body. Plus, I don't have any other positive symptoms...ie. sore boobs, hunger cravings, nauseous. I know all pregnancies are different and it is still very early, but I guess when all we know is disappointment it is so hard to keep having faith when we are thrown so many curve balls.

If I take an HPT this weekend I probably won't post about it until we get the officials results from the blood test. Please continue to pray for us and that our bump in the road is leading us down the path of positive results.

Transfer Day

The picture above are the two precious embryos that are now in my uterus!!! Yes, both of them survived the thawing process! The procedure went smoothly. It helped that I knew what to expect, but I still can't seem to figure out how full my bladder is suppose to be. I always have way too much in it and I have to relieve some of it...not fun trying to relieve only a portion.

Our photo shots before entering the transfer. Michael...always a hoot! Got to love him!

Our room was pretty full today for our procedure. Let me paint a picture for you...I'm laying down with my legs high up and spread open (Sorry if this is too much info, but I want you to get the idea of what women with fertility issues have to go through.) Michael is to the left of me, there is a nurse with the ultrasound "thingy" on my stomach...pressing down on my full bladder, another nurse controlling the ultrasound machine, an intern from MUSC (Medical University of SC), Dr. Slowey in front of me, and Peter the embryologist giving Dr. Slowey the catheter with my embryos inside. The only person not looking at my private parts is Michael...isn't that rather funny. I guess this will only prepare me for birth.

Once again we were able to see the catheter release the embryos into my uterus. The arrow in the picture below is were they are now resting and hopefully getting ready to implant. 

 

We also had good news before we arrived in Charleston....my cell phone rang and I saw it was Southeastern Fertility Center. The first thing that ran through my head was that the embryos didn't survive the thawing process and they were calling to tell us that we didn't need to come. Fortunately, it was MUCH better news. We had payed a portion of our transfer several weeks ago, but hadn't paid the $1,500 that we still owed. I was playing phone tag with the financial lady at the center to get the rest paid. Well come to find out the portion we paid was actually all we owed!!! That immediately put us both in a great mood and on the way home Michael stopped to buy a couple of lottery tickets. :)

Just Hours Away

My massage was fabulous today! I felt like a vegetable when I left. I think I get more out of my massages if I'm able to let go and clear my mind. I was definitely able to do that today. I even took a little nap when I got home. Too bad the fertility center doesn't have a masseuse on staff so patients can go straight from their massage to the transfer room. :)

Excited, nervous, and scared are all the emotions I'm feeling this evening. Will our two precious embryos survive the thawing process? Will at least one of them implant? Will I have another early miscarriage or will I be able to carry full term? These are all questions and thoughts that concern me. I know Michael and I will deal with each as they arise.

I will blog tomorrow afternoon/evening when we get home to let everyone know how our day went. Please keep us in your thoughts in prayers tomorrow as we proceed with our final fertility procedure.

One More Day

I've been trying to stay busy these last few days to keep my mind off of the FET Wednesday. I did some school shopping today...can't believe it is almost time to go back! August 8th will be here before I know it. Tomorrow I'm going to do my yoga routine in the morning and enjoy every minute of my massage in the afternoon! (Thanks to my third grade team for the gift card...I'm finally using it.)

I found a blog a couple of days ago that I've really enjoyed reading. It is written by a woman whose story is very similar to mine. She did her first IVF, got pregnant, but had an early miscarriage just like we did. She was able to freeze four embryos and they did an FET with two of them. She got pregnant and is expecting her little boy the end of this month. She is also a teacher. I love reading stories of success when it comes to fertility treatments! It puts me in a positive frame of mind and makes me think that there is still hope for us.

Sharps Collector

I've been cleaning out and organizing our closets and drawers this summer and came across my sharps collector. I was curious how many syringes were in it so I dumped it out...probably not a wise idea, but none of the needles were exposed. This is what I dumped out...

Most of these were only used for one round of IVF. I can't imagine going through this multiple times like some women do. The amount of syringes would be ridiculous!

The small white caps are the needles that we placed on the Follistim Pen and the small syringes were used with my Lupron. The big syringes were my trigger shots or HCG. These were administered shortly before our IVF and IUI procedures. Hard for me to believe that Michael/I gave me so many shots.

I guess it is time to turn my sharps collector over to the doctor's office...since I won't be giving myself anymore shots.

WE ARE ON GO!

My transfer will be next Wednesday, July 20th at 11:15am!!!!!! I'm ecstatic! Only one more hurdle to face before the transfer...whether the embryos survive the thawing process? I continue to pray that they do, but we won't know until we arrive in Charleston on Wednesday morning.

I continue to take my Estrace (estrogen) and now I get to start the lovely progesterone suppositories...not once a day, not twice, but three times a day. I'm glad we already had our beach vacation! :)

I'm going to relax, relax, relax between now and then! I've been trying to do that all summer by reading, doing yoga, and trying to stay stress free. I already have my massage booked for Tuesday so I will be completely ready for the transfer!

Waiting...

I should know in the next couple of hours if we are on go or not. My lining measures 6.7mm so Cherub says I'm on the cusp. (I feel like I'm always on the cusp...none of my fertility results seem to be black and white. They are always a shade of gray.) They like for the lining to measure between a 6.5mm and 7mm, at this point. Dr. Slowey will look at my blood work too and make a decision. The blood work will give them a better idea of how to proceed because they can look at my hormone levels...so we shall see. My phone is glued to my side!

Countdown to Thursday

Only one more day until I know whether or not our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) will take place on the 20th.  I've been taking my estrogen like clockwork so hopefully it is assisting in making my uterine lining nice and thick! I'm currently taking two Estrace pills three times a day. I haven't really experienced any side effects so that has been nice. I found an article today titled Increase Uterine Lining with Estrogen Type Foods...too bad I hadn't read this before now.

I'm so hopeful that Thursday will bring good news. I'm not exactly sure how thick they want my uterine lining to be for the transfer to occur on time, but I'm hoping my body has made it happen. My ultrasound is scheduled at 8:15am...please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as we face this step in the FET procedure.

I found a penny this morning at the gas station...hopefully it will bring me luck on Thursday.  

Blueberry Picking

Michael and I went blueberry picking. I've picked my own strawberries before, but not blueberries. I felt like I was going to turn into a blueberry while we were picking because I kept eating them...they were so yummy! We picked five pounds and they were only $1.25 per pound...so cheap compared to the ones you buy in the store and so much tastier. (The couple that was checking out when we got there picked 16 pounds!)

Now you may ask...what are they going to do with five pounds? Well, I made some fantastic blueberry muffins, a couple of smoothies, and I'm going to freeze the rest.

Five Pounds of Blueberries

 The muffin recipe I used is called "To Die for Blueberry Muffins". 

"To Die for Blueberry Muffins"

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Fourth of July!

235 years ago...on July 4th, 1776

This great nation, The United States of America,

In a struggle for what was right and free

Was proudly born...

May we celebrate that precious freedom

For which our forbears fought so bravely

The freedom that is inherent

In the Stars and Stripes, our revered flag

Celebrate Freedom

This Fourth of July!

Woohoo!

Woohoo! I started my cycle this morning...right on time!! First hurdle of our transfer...check! I have never been more excited to have cramps and my cycle begin. I took my first Estrace (estrogen) pill this morning, and I will take another one this evening. The dosage will go up every few days. Bring on the side effects of being bloated and moody! Tricia, I'm sure you are happy to hear this...since I'm coming your way. :)

The Little Couple

I've watched this show all four seasons it has been on and love it! If you aren't familiar with it it is about a "little" couple and their daily lives. Jen is a doctor (neonatologist) and Bill is a business man. They live in Houston and for the most part are an ordinary couple. They are trying to start a family and decide that it would be too complicated if Jen carried a baby so they have decided to have a baby through a surrogate.  Jenn has to go through the retrieval stage of IVF...which is basically everything I did except when they transfer the embryos it will be into another woman.

The last couple episodes have been so heart wrenching! They started this season with their third attempt to get eggs. I can't imagine having to go through so many meds, ultrasounds, and blook work only to have the cycle canceled. On this cycle, Jen had two follicles, but they did an ultrasound right before she went into the OR and she had lost one. They rushed her into the OR so they could get the second one. In the 15 minutes it took them to get her ready for the procedure, she had ovulated. Oh, my heart broke for her! I can't imagine!

Last episode, they were on the fourth attempt. She had two follicles they would be draining to extract the eggs. I forgot to mention a normal woman is put to sleep during this procedure, but she couldn't be because she has a difficult airway. I felt so bad for her as I heard her during the procedure. Every time the doctor tried to get the follicle the ovary would disappear into her abdomen. He finally got one! One...I would have been heart broken, but they were ecstatic! I guess it only takes one! Fortunately, the one egg fertilized to form an embryo which they froze until they are ready to transfer it into the surrogate.

This show has really made me appreciate the journey we have been on. No, I don't have a baby, but I could be up against greater obstacles than I currently am. I haven't had to cancel any cycles due to my body not responding to the meds, I don't have to travel thousands of miles to my fertility doctor (Houston to LA), and I'm of normal size.

Like any story I hear of a couple struggling with infertility, I wish them all the luck in the world. I hope the surrogate that Jen and Bill choose is very fertile and is able to carry their baby without any complications!

The Little Couple (Click to learn more about the show.)

The No Baby Boom

I read an interesting article on the web today titled The No Baby Boom. It is basically about adults deciding not to become parents. Some people think this is selfish...I don't agree. There are a lot of valid points in the article as to why a couple may decide not to have children...it isn't my choice, but who am I to judge what someone else decides is right for their life. At least these people realize they aren't "fit" to be parents, for whatever reason, before they bring a child into the world. There are a lot of people who have children and aren't "fit" to be parents.

We are so used to people graduating from college, getting married, and then having children. It is almost the norm so when I see or know of a couple that have been married for a while, I start to question why they don't have children. With what I've been going through I kind of assume it is because they are dealing with infertility too. I never really stopped to think that they may not want children. Infertility is a topic that isn't really discussed openly and I can see how this topic wouldn't be either.

The article discussed how this isn't just an American trend, but birth rates all over the world have dropped as well. One Italian mayor is offering $15,000 for every child a couple has in order to repopulate his town. Hmmm? Is there anyway we can move to Italy for our fertility treatments? This way if we are successful at having a child we can recoup the money we have spent? Just a thought.

Yummy Treats

I'm not much of a cook, but I love to make sweets and have decided that I would try some new recipes this summer (actually almost any recipe is new to me...lol). I've actually found it relaxing...I think because I'm not thinking of a million other things I need to get done, which is the case during the school year. I thought I would share a couple of things I have made so far this summer...

Tuna Pasta Salad

Tuna Salad Pasta- I know not everyone is a fan of tuna, but if you use albacore tuna it isn't as fishy. I changed the recipe a little. I added chunks of cheese and a couple  hard boiled eggs. I also used Miracle Whip instead of Mayo and only added 1 cup so it wasn't coated in mayo. It was really good!

Red Velvet Cake Balls

Red Velvet Cake Balls-"These are heaven!" This is a quote from my neighbor. If you like Red Velvet Cake you will love these. If you make these I would suggest putting them in the freezer before you dip them. I only took a couple out at a time so they didn't warm up...it was much easier to dip. I had never heard of cake balls until I had some strawberry ones at school. The blog that I got this recipe off of has some really neat recipes all involving cake balls. I might try the Oreo ones, too.

I also love to make Buckeyes (I would suggest cutting the recipe in half...unless you need to make a ton.) and Chocolate Covered Ritz with Peanut Butter. I don't use a recipe for this, but I'll link it to a recipe in case you are interested. 

I am planning on trying some other things this summer, so if I find anything else that turns out good, I will share. 

Transfer Update

I haven't really given the specifics about our frozen embryo transfer (FET). I've known the specifics for a couple of weeks, but haven't been ready to share other than it may take place in July. I'm finally at peace with all the aspects of our transfer...the financial and the hurdles that we still may have to face. So here goes...

Birth Control Pills

I have been taking birth control pills for two weeks. It is kind of funny that I have to take these for a fertility treatment. I haven't been on pills for years. Fortunately, I haven't missed a dose. The pills are used to help prepare the lining of my uterus.

My new pharmacy.

This is no where near the size of my last shipment and the price was much better to deal with. I only paid $41.00! This round consists of Estradol (Estrace), Prometrim (Progesterone), Diazepam (Valium), and Doxycycline. Right now I'm just on birth control for another 7 days. Around the beginning of July, I will start taking the Estrace in small doses and will work my way up to 6 pills a day. This is basically estrogen. In the middle of July, I start my progesterone vaginally...3 times a day. Oh, how I love progesterone! I've had to do this with every procedure. If I become pregnant, I will keep doing this for most of the first trimester. The Valium is for me to take before the transfer...to make me relaxed. I only took one last time, but I'm going to take both this time. I think the more relaxed the better! I also take the Doxycycline before the transfer. It is an antibiotic that is suppose to help with any infections that might occur. There is the run down on my meds this time. I'm super excited that I will not have to give myself a single injection!
 *All start dates are dependent on when my cycle starts. I'm hoping it is on time this month!

Our FET is scheduled for July 20th. I have to have an ultrasound on or around July 14th to make sure my uterine lining is good enough for the transfer...this is one hurdle. If it isn't unfortunately we will have to cancel the procedure because I have a trip planned for the next week and shortly after that we go back to school. The other hurdle is that the embryos won't make it through the thawing stage, but as I stated before there is a very minimal chance that this will occur.

                                              One day at a time!

Happy Birthday, Michael!

Adorable Michael Paul

Happy 36th Birthday to a wonderful man! My love grows stronger for you each day we are together. We are complete opposites, but that is what makes our marriage work. You constantly make me smile and laugh! People always ask me how I put up with you, but sometimes I wonder how you put up with me? 

We are very fortunate that our infertility struggles haven't put a strain on our marriage. I think we are doing a pretty good job of working through it together and dealing with what has been handed to us. While I don't like going through this struggle, I think it has only made us closer.

We will end up being older parents, but hopefully wiser. Age is only a number. I'm really looking forward to becoming a parent with you at whatever age we are when it happens. I know you will be a phenomenal father to our little boy or girl.  I sometimes wonder if I'll have to remind you that you are the parent...since you are such a big kid! :)  I just know that on your next birthday there will be three (if not four) of us celebrating! 

We've been through a lot together.

You've seen me at my best, my worst,

and first thing in the morning.

We've laughed and kissed 

and argued and loved

and held hands.

When I look back on this little story of "us",

I realize I'm happier than I've ever been.

And it is all because of you.

Happy Birthday with love! 

Christine 

Senseless Act

This morning the news reported that a nine month old had been left in a car and died. Of course this made me shutter when I heard it. How do you forget and leave your child in a car? The child was left in a car outside of his home for FOUR hours...so you get home and don't realize that your nine month old isn't around. We went shopping a few days ago and left a camera my dad bought in the car...that I understand, but a human.

A quote from the article in The State newspaper said...
"Even the best of parents or caregivers can overlook a sleeping baby in a car; and the end result can be injury or death."

Maybe it is because I've never been a parent, but I don't understand this. Actually, I couldn't even believe this statement was in the article. This seems like such a senseless reason for a innocent child to die.

Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day 2004

I think my dad was meant to have daughters. I don't know if he would know what to do with another male in the house. I know he wouldn't trade us for anything, but I would love to have a son just so he could have some male bonding with his grandson.

At least we played sports and weren't real girly girls. He helped coach and always cheered us on during games, meets, and matches. I played doubles tennis and I will never forget when he told me he would pay me if I was able to hit the girls from the other team with the ball. Technically, that was the object...at least the girl at the net so she couldn't return it, but tennis isn't necessarily a "rough" sport. I also remember my coach asking dad if he could be a quieter fan.

8-26-79 1 year old

I have many memories of of special days with my dad. The earliest memory I have of father/daughter time is when he took me to see the Nutcracker and we ate at One Nation (a fancy restaurant overlooking downtown Columbus). We also went to several Washington Redskins games. He took me to football games and Tricia to Pittsburgh Pirates baseball games.

1980   2 years old

He was and still is a very supportive father. He has backed me on all my decisions in life and given me some great advice when things weren't going according to plan. He even gave up going to the Ohio State vs. Notre Dame football game because the OCC (our conference) tennis tournament was the same day...at least we won so it was worth the miss. :) I don't know too many men who would miss such a big football game for tennis.

I feel comfortable talking to my dad about anything. I have kept him in the loop with all of our fertility struggles...even personal issues. I feel very fortunate that he wants to know and it doesn't even phase him. I look forward to watching the bond that him and my child (his grandchild) will have. I know he will make a great grandfather!

 

Summer 2009

Wedding  2-7-06

 A Father Means...

 A Father means so many things...

An understanding heart,

A source of strength and support...

Right from the very start.

A constant readiness to help

In a kind and thoughtful way.

With encouragement and forgiveness

No matter what comes your way.

A special generosity and always affection, too

A Father means so many things...

When he's a man like you. 

-Author Unknown

And I can't forget our latest adventure...skydiving! We have had 32 years of memories and adventures. I look forward to many, many more. I love you tons!

Skydiving October 2010

Pure Relaxation

I'm currently sitting on a huge front porch in a rocking chair enjoying the breeze and sounds of the ocean. This week we are at Folly Beach, South Carolina...close to Charleston. We are in the perfect house! We are on the second row from the beach, but this house has a tower so high up you can see everything...ocean from the front and marsh from the back. We are also directly across from beach access. I've had a wonderful and relaxing time. I don't want Saturday to come. This week has taken my mind off our infertility struggles. I wish I could live like this year round. I would be relaxed ALL the time!

We took a tour of Fort Sumter, paddle-boarded at sunset, relaxed on the beach, and today walked around the center of "town" stopping at several restaurants for a drink or two.(One of the only things that made me happy about not being pregnant is that I can drink.)  We've had way too much to eat since vacation started. We have eaten at the Crab Shack, Taco Boy, Bowmen's Island Restaurant, and Hyman's (in Charleston). Shelley wants to try this popular Crepe "stand" for dinner a little later called Tokyo Crepes. It looks like they have some great crepes, but I don't know if I can eat anymore. Tomorrow while some of us go shopping the rest of us are going to walk around Charleston, and we will probably hit the beach again on Friday.

I'm starting to think I need another beach vacation before my transfer so I can make sure my body is as relaxed as possible!! :)