Scared

                               (Warning: this might be too much information.)
I'm scared of being pregnant and I'm scared of not being pregnant. I'm so emotional this evening...I don't know how I'm going to wait until Monday to find out what is going on. I DON'T like spotting. It brings back too many memories of my miscarriage. I've continued to spot brown and pink since Saturday and it is heavier after I put my progesterone in...so needless to say I don't enjoy those three times each day.

Of course I do what I know I shouldn't and search the web for what might be going on with my body. Many forums say it is normal to have spotting during early pregnancy, but on the other hand I start seeing words like ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancies are when the embryo implants somewhere outside of the uterus...usually in a fallopian tube. One would think this wouldn't occur when you are undergoing IVF, but it is actually quite possible. Some forums also say that spotting is quite common when one is on progesterone suppositories because it can irritate the cervix and lining. Why do I even attempt to find answers on the internet?

I'm scared to get pregnant again because I will be on pins and needles everyday worried that something will happen to my pregnancy causing me to miscarry again. I'm scared of not being pregnant because this is our last chance. If it doesn't work we may never have a biological child and I know I will feel like a failure as a woman.

I need strength to get me through this weekend and to get through whatever the outcome is on Monday because I'm scared of both possibilities.