Moving On

My HCG is now at 11. I have to go to the doctor one more time next week. They like to keep testing until it falls below 5 so if we were to start another treatment they know all the HCG is out of my body. Dr. Slowey called on Thursday to see how I was doing and if I had any questions...I thought that was nice since most doctors don't do that.

I've had my time to grieve. I'm sure it will hit me again. As long as I'm busy and not thinking about it I'm ok, but sometimes someone will say something or ask me a question and I will shed a few tears.

It is time for me to get back to my life. I don't have any excuses now for not working out or anything else that is strenuous. I need to keep my mind/body busy until we decide what and when our next step will be. 

My Heart is Breaking

I'm sure you can figure out how my results came back today by the title of this blog. My HCG levels have fallen from 28 to 22. I have to go back in on Friday morning for more blood work...I don't understand why. I don't want to go through today again! I'm tired of phone calls with bad news...when does my happy phone call come?

The result is plain...I'm not pregnant...it didn't work...just like the four other fertility treatments. I feel so alone, I feel like I have let my husband and family down, and I'm ANGRY! Why are some women blessed with fertility while others struggle? Haven't I been through enough already???

I feel like my life is so incomplete right now. I get a glimmer of hope and it is dashed away. Our life is like a broken record. We start a new round of fertility treatments, we get excited and hopeful, and the excitement vanishes when we get bad news. The cycle continues and continues leaving us left with nothing. 

We have two frozen embryos, but I almost wish we didn't because I don't know if I can handle any more disappointment. If I can't get pregnant with an almost perfect embryo...what are the chances of it happening with the frozen ones?

What will tomorrow bring?

I was able to talk to Cherub today and she gave me a little more insight into my HCG level. She said she has seen a HCG level start out as low as 7 before and the woman had a baby. However, she also gave me the run down of what tomorrow could bring. If my levels come back lower than we can assume it was a chemical pregnancy. If my levels rise a little than she said I could be in for a roller coaster ride for then next few weeks...not knowing what is going to happen. The best scenario would be that my HCG level jumps a ton! I'm sure you can figure out what Michael and I are hoping and praying for.

I think I'm prepared as much as I can be for any of the above outcomes. I'm going to do my best to accept the result and continue to move forward...whatever path that might be. 

Cautiously Optimistic

Today could have gone better, but it isn't completely bad news. It all started this morning...

The nurse had to prick me three times to get any blood. I was such a mess that my veins would not give blood. Cherub asked me what my gut feeling was and I told her I didn't think it had worked. She proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't be feeling any symptoms yet, so if I'm basing it off that than I need to stop worrying.

We decided to have Cherub leave a message on my cell phone, and I would go home after school so Michael and I could listen to it together.  This is what she said...my HCG number is a 28. (HCG is the hormone that runs through your body when you are pregnant.) She was looking for a number between 50-100...obviously mine is rather low. She told me that we need to be cautiously optimistic. She said it is a positive number and we will discuss it tomorrow morning when I call her on my break. I have to go back in on Wednesday for more blood work. She said we need to see the 28 go up by 50-60% or higher.

I read this online which made me feel a little better...
Normal hCG levels vary widely between different women and in different pregnancies for the same woman. Be very careful when trying to 'interpret the numbers'. During the first 12 weeks of pregnancy, the level itself is NOT as important, as is, how much it is rising every few days.  Some normal pregnancies will have quite low hCG levels and still progress, ending in the birth of a healthy baby. The best way to confirm if a pregnancy is progressing is to repeat with a blood test in 2 to 3 days time, and perhaps again 2 to 3 days after that. This is aimed at seeing if the hCG level is rising adequately.

I thought this would be over today...good or bad. Now I have to wait two more days. I guess we will know Wednesday if we will be expecting or moving on. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Zoo Fun

Who says you need to have kids to go to the zoo? Michael and I enjoyed the gorgeous weather and hung out at the zoo yesterday. He hasn't been since we've been in Columbia and the last time I went was on a field trip with second graders...a little bit of a different experience without energetic 7 and 8 year olds.We also strolled through the botanical garden at the zoo...so beautiful!

 

We ate lunch at Pawley's Front Porch. A great place for burgers...so we had heard. They were delicious. Michael had a Washout Burger...jalapeno bacon and blue cheese. I had a regular cheese burger, but I had the sweet potato fries which were dynamite.

It was nice to get out of the house and put the blood test on Monday in the back of our minds.

Happy Easter! I wish we could spend time with family today, but hopefully when we have a little one running around everyone will come here to see their grandchild in action. :)

Winding Down

I wish Monday was tomorrow! I would love to take a home pregnancy test, but I don't want to do that to myself. I could get a false positive or a negative and be devastated. At times I have myself convinced that it didn't work. I don't have any side effects, but I didn't with my first pregnancy either. I guess it is better not to have side effects, but it feels like I should so I know there is a baby/babies growing inside of me.

Everything is winding down. If the blood test comes back positive we will be in for a busy nine months and 18 years. If the blood test comes back negative everything stops, we grieve, discuss our next step, and move on. They are completely different scenarios that I play out in my head everyday.

Sometimes I don't want Monday to come because this is one of our last steps in having our own child/children. If we are pregnant I will worry about miscarrying again and if we aren't I will worry that our last chance at becoming biological parents won't work either. (using the 2 frozen embryos)

However the scenario plays out I am thankful for all the support we have had over the last two months or should I say last three years. I know that no matter the outcome I have a wonderful, supportive, loving, and devoted husband, a fabulous family, and wonderful friends!!

No Communication is Hard

At the beginning of the IVF process I talked to Cherub on the phone almost everyday, had blood work and ultrasounds all the time, and received updates almost every afternoon. I've had no communication with anyone from the fertility center since Sunday. I knew this would happen, but it is still hard. I take that back...we did get two bills today so I guess we have had a little communication, but not the kind we necessarily want. :)

What are the Chances?

IVF Success Story Turns into Quads
This is amazing! I can only imagine. I'm nervous about having twins, but if God blessed us with four precious babies...I wouldn't complain...however we might need some extra help! :)

Two to Freeze

The embryologist called this morning to let us know that he was able to freeze two embryos. He said they aren't as strong as the ones the doctor transferred yesterday, but they were strong enough to be frozen. If we end up having to use them they would unfreeze them the morning of the transfer and see if they survived the freezing stage. I guess we shall see when we get to that stage of the process...either because this round doesn't work or because we try for more children.

I'm happy that we have a couple to freeze because Michael and I have always said that if the first round of IVF doesn't work we are going to adopt. Our insurance will only cover so much and I'd rather put the money towards an option that will most likely bring us a baby. Since we have two embryos that were frozen the cost goes down a lot. We don't have to do the retrieval and I won't have to be put on so much medication. With this outcome we have one more chance before adoption, but I'm trying to stay positive that the round of IVF we are currently in will have a happy ending!

Transfer

We had two embryos transferred this morning. We had one rated a 4aa which I guess is an extremely good rating. It is the biggest one in the picture. It had already started forming the outer wall which would be the placenta and the cells inside would be the baby. The embryologist is going to watch the other two to see if we are able to freeze them. We should know by Monday at the latest. There were also two others that are maturing a little slower so there is a possibility they could be frozen too.

After we discussed the embryos with the doctor we had to change to prepare for the procedure. Here is what we looked like...lol

 

The procedure was pretty painless. I had to have a full bladder and I actually had to relieve some of my bladder before they did the transfer because I have an inverted uterus and as the nurse said they aren't as photogenic (for the ultrasound).  Michael and I saw the catheter go in and release the embryos. Afterwards I had to lay down for 30 minutes...with my full bladder, but the nurse offered me a bedpan if I needed one...luckily I didn't have to take her up on her offer.

I'll be taking it easy today. I plan on reading and watching a movie. I have Michael doing the laundry and some cleaning. I think it is little to ask for what I've been through this week. I'm still trying to work on the breakfast in bed tomorrow.

Now we wait until Easter Monday for my first pregnancy test. Keep your fingers crossed!

Day 5 Transfer

The transfer has been pushed to Saturday at 10:30am. The embryologist called this morning around 7:00am to tell me that all the embryos look good and he can't pick out the strongest two, so we are going to wait until Saturday to do the transfer. I was happy because I don't have to take two days off work, I can go on our field trip tomorrow, and Michael can go with me. My mother-in-law came down yesterday to take me to the transfer today, but today wasn't the day, so we are getting to spend some time with her. We shall see what Saturday brings...hopefully two very strong embryos!

Eleven

Yes, it says 11!!! Out of the 12 eggs 11 fertilized. Peter, the embryologist, left a message on my cell phone and I had to listen to it twice because I couldn't believe my ears. I think eleven is my new lucky number. We retrieved on April 11, 2011 and we had 11 eggs fertilize...don't worry we won't have 11 children. Michael thinks his sperm rock, but as a friend said...how can sperm not find the egg when they are in a little dish?

We will go ahead and plan for transfer on Thursday, but I won't know until early that morning if it will take place or we will need to wait until Saturday. We are still hoping that out of the eleven we will  have at least two strong enough to transfer!

I went back to work, but didn't have to teach because my intern is doing her full time teaching so I did "seat work" most of the day. I'm feeling a little less crampy today and hoping it will go away by the end of tomorrow.

Ahhh! I'm still on cloud nine. I just hope and pray that the good news keeps coming our way!

12 Eggs

Is the number of eggs the doctor was able to retrieve today.  He said the average is between 10-15 so we had a great number! The embryologist will call tomorrow and let us know how many off those were fertilized creating an embryo.  He said it is usually around 50% so hopefully we have at least 2 strong embryos. Hopefully Michael's sperm are doing their job!

We left the clinic around 9:45am and I was feeling good until about 20 minutes into the car ride. I think it was a combination of the car ride and the anesthetic, but I got nauseous. We stopped at a rest area, I used the facilities, came out and got so light headed I ended up vomiting in the grass in front of the building...not one of my brighter moments, but I have been fine since. I really don't have any pain...it's more of an uncomfortable feeling. 

We got home and and we both laid down to rest...I on the couch and Michael on the floor. I wasn't able to sleep, but my husband didn't seem to have any trouble. I've been giving him a hard time about having such a rough morning. I guess Trixie did too. :)

I will return to work tomorrow and will be anxiously waiting to hear from the embryologist.

Counting Down to Retrieval

The nurse took more blood this morning. I didn't get any phone calls so I don't have to inject myself with anymore HCG. My stomach is so sore from the trigger shot (HCG) last night it would have been hard to do it again tonight. I have a yellow stomach with lots of little red dots. No more injections, but now I get to start with the medications in pill form. I had to go pick up another prescription at CVS and I started taking it today...Cabergoline. (This was prescribed to help prevent me from being overstimulated.) I was worried about the size of the pill because since I was little I've always had a problem taking large pills. I was so re-leaved to see that they are teeny tiny. Probably the smallest pill I've every had to take. Tomorrow I will take Tylenol 3 with codeine to help with the pain of the retrieval.


We will head out tomorrow shortly after 5:00am. We have to meet with Dr. Schnorr and the anesthesiologist before the procedure. We were going to go down tonight, but we are trying to save money and since Michael is used to driving early in the morning it will be fine. I will probably try to sleep on the way down, but I'm not sure if that will work seeing as how I will be full of different emotions. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow. I will be sure to blog tomorrow afternoon/evening to let everyone know how retrieval went.

Monday is Retrieval

It's official...retrieval will be on Monday at 8:15am. We have to go to Charleston for retrieval so we will be leaving fairly early since we will have a 2-2 1/2 hour drive. I'm a bundle of emotions right now...nervous, scared, excited, etc. My ultrasound this morning was a little uncomfortable since I have so many follicles all compacted together. Michael said they look like the rolls you bake in a pan...as they bake they lose their shape because they are all get squished together...needless to say I've been a little bloated this weekend. I will give myself my trigger shot this evening at 9:15pm and back to the doctor tomorrow morning for blood work to make sure my estrogen levels are still good.

Ninth Day of Stimulation

Today's been an emotional day. Michael and I are trying to prepare for next week with the retrieval and transfer and it is hard not knowing for sure when every procedure will take place. I'm feeling okay with taking days off from my job because of my fabulous student teacher and my very understanding principal, but Michael is self employed and these stores prepare for him to inventory on certain days. While I wish everyone was understanding of our situation it doesn't always work in our favor. It is times like these when I wish we were closer to family...although they would have to move here because I'm not about to go back to the cold weather. :)

Day 9 Stats:
* My uterus lining has gone from 7.5 mm to 9.4 mm.

* My follicles are continuing to grow! On the left I have 6 (11mm, 14mm, 15mm, 15mm, 16mm, 16mm) and on the right I have a 8 (11mm, 12mm, 14mm, 14mm, 14mm, 16mm, 19mm, 21mm). I have a few under 10mm, but I don't remember the exact count.

It seems to me that 14 is a good number of follicles, but in the whole scheme of things we want quality over quantity. I just have to hope and pray that this is the case with some of the 14. 

Once again I go back in tomorrow morning for more monitoring. It it really starting to look like Monday will be my retrieval. I will know for sure tomorrow when they get my blood work back. 

Growing Follicles

I was back in the doctor's office this morning. My blood work looks great and I didn't bruise today!!

Day 8 Stats:
* My uterus lining is still 7.5 mm.

*I have 6 follicles on the left side ranging from 10-14 mm and 7 follicles on the right side ranging from 10-21 mm. I also have 6 follicles that are under 10 mm. (Left: 3 at 13mm, 2 at 14mm, 1 at 10mm) (Right: 1 at 21mm, 1 at 19mm, 1 at 15mm, 3 at 12mm, 1 at 10mm)

We went over all of my pre-op paper work this morning. Cherub now thinks retrieval could be Monday or Tuesday...hard to plan anything with fertility treatments. There is so much to remember for the retrieval and transfer. Thank goodness I have checklists to follow...one day at a time. I thought I was going to get to sleep in tomorrow, but Dr. Slowey wants to see me back tomorrow morning for more blood work and an ultrasound. It makes for expensive days, but I must admit I like seeing the progress of my follicles.

Wishful Thinking

I know I probably shouldn't be doing this, but I searched for an IVF Due Date Calculator. My mom was here last weekend and we were discussing if we do get pregnant when the baby/babies would be born. I kept thinking it would be December/January and I started to wonder how it is determined when you are having eggs retrieved and transferred. Anyway, if this does work, we retrieve on Monday (as planned), and I'm able to carry my baby/babies full term the due date would be January 1, 2012...interesting. Now if we have twins the website said they usually come three weeks early which would fall around my mom's birthday and if they are a couple days late we have my sister's birthday. I've just been doing some wishful thinking today...trying to think positively.

Day Six of Stimulation

I went in this morning for blood work and another ultrasound. I officially look like I'm shooting up. I have bruises on both arms so they took blood from the top of my left hand...we shall see how that looks in a few hours.

Here are my stats:

*My uterus lining is at 7.5 mm. Cherub says above 6.5 is good. I read that on average during IVF it will increase by 1mm per day.

*I  have 4 follicles we are measuring at the current time: two measure 11 mm, one at 13 mm, and another at 15mm. I also have 11 that are less than 10 mm so there is a chance that they could grow larger. Cherub says we need to see follicles between 19-21 mm for retrieval. She thought the 15 mm follicle might mature before we do retrieval so we could lose it, but hopefully some of the smaller ones start maturing. She said this all looks good for day 6.

As of right now we are still planning to do retrieval on Monday, but she thought it could possibly be Sunday. I go back for more blood work and an ultrasound on Thursday morning.

This afternoon I will be enjoying lunch with a friend and later a much needed massage!

Really...Clowns?

I was looking through infertility comics and found this article/video. It's not a joke: Clowns help IVF patients get pregnant...I must say it made me chuckle. I've tried just about everything else...this could be the missing piece. Maybe I should ask my doctor if he has heard of this technique?  Let me know if you are willing to be my clown during my transfer. :)

Fourth Day of Stimulation

I went to the doctor this morning for blood work. I've finally figured out that when I go on the weekend I need to get there at 7:50am. They schedule everyone at 8:00am so they can do their job and get out of there. Because everyone shows up at the same time they take patients in the order they arrive. Luckily, I've always been one of the first few to show up so I can usually get in and out by 8:30 at the latest. I was home this morning before Michael even got up...lucky him. Anyway, one of the nurses called this afternoon with the results of my blood work. She said it looked great and she wants me to decrease my Follistim injection from 225 units to 200 units. I guess decreasing is better than having to increase it. I go back in on Tuesday for more blood work and an ultrasound. I want next week to come sooooo bad so we can do the retrieval and transfer, but I know once next week comes spring break will be over. :(

One more thing...I attempted my Follistim injection this evening and had no trouble! I told Michael I don't need him anymore...I guess I might need his sperm.  :)

Ups and Downs

I feel like we have had a few hurdles the last couple of days...

Michael was working in the garden/forest area of our backyard this week and got poison ivy or poison something. It is pretty bad and the doctor put him on Prednisone (a steroid to help clear it up). My first question was will effect his sperm count? Fortunately the pharmicist said it shouldn't because he isn't going to be on it for a long period of time. I guess we will find out when we go in for the retrieval.

I went to my family physician because I've been having an uncomfortable feeling in my upper left leg for the past month or so. He diagnosed me with Meralgia Paresthetica. He told me there isn't much he can do to treat it because I'm trying to conceive so we will take another look at it when I'm either a) not pregnant or b) it gets worse and I can't handle it. I asked him if it would get worse if I got pregnant and he said it could or it could go away...although what I've read is that pregnancy can cause it. I will continue to keep on an eye on it. Sometimes I don't even notice it (like now) and other times it flares up. I've been trying to figure out if there is a pattern to it flaring up, but I have yet to come up with one.

While we have had some hurdles we've also had some good news...

Most people know I had melanoma and I had nodes removed from under my left arm. Because of this I've never been able to get blood taken  from my left arm.This had me a little nervous since I have to have lots of blood work this week and I tend to bruise easily. I called my surgeon and he said that I'm able to access the left arm because it has been over 3 years. It may sound silly, but this was a huge relief for me. 

I also found out that the pharmacy that sends me my infertility meds sent me too much Follistim...it's the most expensive med I'm on. Cherub talked to them and I will get a refund since it was their fault. It will be almost a $400 refund...anyway we can save money right now is exciting!