First Day of Stimulation

I went in yesterday for blood work and an ultrasound. I have 5 follicles on one side and 6 on the other. (If you aren't sure what a follicle is you can read about follicles and eggs at Dr. Malpani's Blog.) Not sure if that is good or bad, but we shall see how the meds impact them in the coming days. Today I added 10 units of Low Dose HCG to my 10 units of Lupron...this is my morning injection. In the evening I give myself 225 units of Follistim. I go back in on Sunday for blood work and the doctor will either increase my meds, decrease them, or keep them the same. I'm assuming at this early stage they will stay the same. Cherub, my nurse, says the number one side effect she hears from patients during this time is being fatigued. If this happens I'll have plenty of time to sleep considering next week is Spring Break!!! 

 

(The bottles on top are for my morning injection 

and the blue pen is for the evening.)

When is it my (our) turn?

Today was a rough day! A coworker announced that she was expecting in September. While I'm excited for her...it is still hard to hear. I haven't had an emotional response to news like this in a while, but I think the hormones running through my body effected the reaction I had. Fortunately, I didn't get emotional in front of her...I would have felt so bad if that was the case.

Every time I read a  post on Facebook or hear about a friend who is pregnant I always wonder...when is it my turn? When will I get to squeal with excitement over the tiny baby growing inside of me? When will I get to gain weight and buy maternity clothes? When will I get to start planning a nursery? When will I get to hear my baby cry for the first time? When will I get to celebrate Mother's Day? When will I get to open up the closet in our empty room upstairs and go through some of the stuff that was purchased for us by family before our miscarriage? When? 

No one knows the answer to this, but God. I know at some point it will be my turn. I know at some point I will get to carry my newborn baby in my arms and love him or her unconditionally. Our baby might be growing in another woman's body or maybe in mine in another month, but one way or another it will be my turn to buy baby clothes, decorate a nursery, and welcome our new baby into our loving arms and home. 

Baby Dust

(Found this on the internet.)
Wanting, hoping, waiting, and praying.
To have a little one to call our own.
Getting tired of trying and failing.
Just want to make our house a home.
When is it going to be our turn for a baby?
There is this emptiness in completing our family,
Maybe one day it will be our time for joy,
Until then we must stay strong and keep hoping
Please pray for us and sprinkle that baby dust upon us!

I DID IT!!!

I went in to our school nurse's office this morning. She had to get some medicine for a child and I told her I was going to go in to her office and try to give myself the injection. I sat down, wiped the spot with an alcohol wipe, took a deep breath and gently pushed the syringe in my stomach. (It wasn't as bad as I've made it out to be!) I wanted to yell, but figured I better not...didn't want to scare any children in the adjacent room. It may seem silly, but I'm so proud of myself!

My Big Hurdle (at this point)

I tried so hard this morning to give myself my injection of Lupron. I know it is mental because it couldn't possibly hurt anymore than when someone else gives it to me. I rubbed the spot with an alcohol wipe, got the syringe right up to my skin and failed miserably...several times. Michael told me not to watch, but how would I know when the syringe was all the way in? So, I let him give it to me and I didn't even feel it...which I'm sure is what would have happened if I had done it myself, but it is the fact that I don't want to feel it going through my skin. This is a hurdle I WILL overcome and when I do you better believe everyone will hear about it! 

 (This is a picture of the syringe I'm "fighting" with.)

Drugs, Drugs, and More Drugs

I received my box of drugs today. I didn't realize how much I was actually going to receive...although the price should of been an indicator. I was a little overwhelmed when I opened the box. I thought I would share with you what I pulled out...

I was happy to see that there are no syringes bigger than I'm use too! I have lots of Follistim. (I used this during my IUI's, but my dosage was only 75 units per injection. I will be at 225 units this time.)  Follistim helps my ovaries produce lots of mature eggs. I also have several pills I have to take before and after my egg retrieval and a box of patches. I've never wore a patch before...interesting. I will find out about everything I received on Wednesday when I go in for more blood work and an ultrasound. I wonder how my body will react to each drug? 

What NOT to Say to A Woman Going Through Infertility

It is hard to know what someone is going through unless you have experienced the same situation. Everyone wants to be helpful and show they care, but sometimes the things people say hurt more than help. The following are some things that have been said to me and some I've read about others experiencing. 

1. "Oh, you're still young. It will happen." 

This has been said to me many times. I am young, but it doesn't feel like it when I have friends who are on their second child. 

2. "My (insert name) adopted a baby, and then one year later, boom, she was pregnant."

I guess adoption is the cure for infertility. 

3. "At least you can have fun trying." 

There is NOTHING fun about having timed sex for 3 years! Doesn't matter if you are in the mood, if you miss the "prime time" you've lost the opportunity for that cycle. 

4. "As soon as you stop trying, you will get pregnant."

It is not something you can just "turn off".

5. "You want kids?  Please, take mine."

Someone offered their 17 year old son to Michael yesterday.

6."Just relax, it will happen."

Really? I guess I've been uptight for 3 years. 

7. "Have you tried acupuncture, medication, standing on your head after sex, etc.?"

We've tried all that and more. I'm not going to share the more.   :)

8. "There are worse things that could happen."

No one has ever said this to me, but it is one I struggle with personally. There are so many people/things I'm fortunate to have in my life that I sometimes feel like I'm being selfish to focus my attention on the fact that I haven't been able to have a baby.

We, woman who struggle with infertility, know you are trying to help comfort us. We just want you to listen to us vent and give us the emotional support we need. 

Guaranteed

Michael was talking to one of his friends about IVF and he said..."It's guaranteed, right?" I wish. He was telling him how we are spending enough for a decent size down payment on a car. (Just for what we are paying for IVF..I'm not even including our attempts at the IUI's.) We are very lucky though because my insurance will cover up to $15,000 of fertility treatments for a lifetime. I wish is was every year! Most insurances don't cover anything. We have been paying about 70% of all costs...HUGE help. This is why we are only going to attempt one round of IVF. My insurance money will pretty much be used up at the end of this IVF. One round of IVF costs between $12,000 and $15,000 depending on the prescribed treatments. If this attempt doesn't work we decided we would rather put that money towards adoption. At least with adoption we will pay the money and most likely be able to adopt a baby in the end, so I guess you can say there is a guarantee with our money in this scenario.

Staying Healthy

 No more alcohol...hopefully for the next 10 months. I'm not a heavy drinker by any means, but I like a glass of wine or a good martini. Since I started the process of IVF I'm trying to be more aware of what I'm putting into my body. I should probably cut down on the chocolate too, but it is just soooo good! I don't want to do anything that my jeopardize my chances of getting pregnant. I've also been doing much better at exercising (walking). The weather has been so nice I have no excuse. I also feel better when I get out and walk.

Michael has also been doing a great job of exercising and eating better the last few weeks. (In fact he has been making dinner for us more often...it's been great!) He isn't really doing it because of IVF, but he has a bet going with my step-dad to see who can lose the most percentage of weight. Unfortunately Michael broke his toe playing indoor soccer on Thursday night. I'm not sure how much he will be working out in the next month. The doctor said to ice it, elevate it, and try to stay off of it as much as he can. It looks gross!! I can't stand to look at it. It is all black and blue and swollen. I think he needs to give up soccer and take up golf. :)

All Ready

My blood work came back fine and I had my first injection of Lupron. From here on out the injection will happen in the morning. I'm so thankful for my school nurse. She is willing to inject me each morning during the week. Michael is gone too early and I still don't want to think about giving it to myself. I know the time will come when I have to suck it up and just do it! There is just something about trying to put it in my own skin. I've tried once and it was a long, drawn out disaster!  So...I have the first of many needle marks on my stomach. Cherub, my nurse coordinator, said I could also use the back of my upper arm or my thigh. If my stomach gets to black and blue we will try that. 

Did you notice the name of my nurse? Cherub...I like to think that is a sign that this attempt at IVF will work. God has laid out his plan...I have a fabulous student teacher who I trust immensely with my class, she will probably be doing her full time teaching during my egg retrieval and transfer, I have spring break during the bulk of my medications and doctor's visits, and my nurse's name is Cherub. If that isn't God's work...I don't know what is.

Let the Injections Begin

I received my first medication in the mail today...Lupron. I start on this tomorrow morning and will remain on it until right before the doctor retrieves my eggs. I like the price of Lupron. It only cost me $9.00. I wish all my medications were that cheap. Lupron is used to control ovulation and improve the development and growth of follicles during my cycle. I've been lucky not to have any side effects with any of my the medications I've had to take, so I'm hoping Lupron won't give me any either. After 14 days of Lupron I start several other injected medicines...too many I can't even list them! I'm trying to take this one step at a time.

I go in tomorrow morning for lab work and not again until the 30th. Once the second set of injections start I will be in the doctor's office on a regular basis...every other morning to every morning. At least most of that falls during my spring break.

It's About Time

I've been injected so many times with several different drugs, taken pills, given blood, had ultrasounds, and been through test after test and finally Michael has to do something. I'm not saying I want him to have to go through anything, but it is funny how the woman has to go through most of the infertility process and the man gets to show up one time with his "donation". 

A few weeks ago when we met with our doctor for a consult about IVF we walked in the building and Michael said, "I'm so sick of this place." My response was "You are?" It has been my second home. I think my car could drive there on auto pilot. I know exactly how long it takes to get there for 8am labs and then how long to get to school.

Michael had to give blood last week to check for HIV, Hepatitis, and Rubella...they all came back negative. He also has to take a antibiotic called Doxycycline. This antibiotic is given to the male partner during the wife's stimulation cycle to reduce the low levels of bacteria that may be found in the semen and which may compromise the performance of the sperm during an IVF cycle. It is also given to the female partner to reduce the risk of infection following aspiration of the follicles at the time of egg retrieval. If you read carefully you noticed I have to take it too. 

At least only one of us has to go through all the testing and medications because it would be too expensive for both of us and keeping track of schedules would be hard. We are both going through the emotional aspect of it and I couldn't ask for a better man to be going through the journey with!!! 

Who Knew?

I didn't realize we would have so many legal decisions to make regarding any embryos we might have left after the egg transfer. Southeastern will keep any remaining embryos frozen for two years, but after the two years we have to decide what we want done with them...if we don't use them for another round of IVF. We had to decide on a couple of scenarios a) what we want done with them after the two years and b) what we want done with them if, heaven for bid, we should both pass away before the two year mark. Our options were to 1) discard them, 2) give them to research, or 3) give them to another couple. My first thought was to give them to another couple and Michael's was to give them to research...neither of us wanted them discarded. We chose to give them to research in scenario a and give them to another couple in scenario b. 

Having made these important decisions I started thinking that there is a chance we won't have to worry about either option because we may not have several strong embryos. I'm really hoping for at least two. If we have more it will be a bonus because when we try to have more children I won't have to go through the whole stimulation process.

With all the signing and notarizing that has to be done I feel like I'm buying another house. After reading a 20 page document, signing my life away, and going through several FDA required tests...I could possibly have a baby while 16 year old girls and unfit mothers just have to have sex.

The Plan

I have learned over the last few years that life doesn't go according to plan. Three years ago we set out to get pregnant. I had it all planned out. We would start trying in May so I would be due in the spring. This way I could take the last part of the school year off and have the summer off too. (I'm a teacher.) I was finishing my masters so everything would be perfect and I could enjoy extra time with my new baby.  Almost three years later I chuckle at that perfect plan. It has been a roller coaster of a  journey. 

We have gone through one miscarriage and four failed IUI's.I think the most frustrating thing is that the doctor's don't know why I'm not getting pregnant. I want to know why so I can fix it!
 

I've read several blogs by women who are going through or have been through what I have been and will experience. It has helped a ton. I wish women would be more open about infertility. It amazes me how many of us go through it...yet we don't open up about it. Every time I'm in the waiting room at the doctor's office we just sit and read a magazine...trying to avoid each others looks. I'm always wondering what step of the process is she on now?

As Michael and I begin the process of IVF I decided that I needed an outlet to share my feelings, emotions, and experiences. I tend to keep my feelings locked up. I think blogging about my experiences over the next couple of months will be a good way for me to vent. I hope blogging about IVF will be short lived and our first attempt will bring us a precious bundle of joy or two!

To all the women out there who are struggling with infertility I wish you all the luck on your journey!