Prescription...Deep Breathing

I went for my stress test today. It consisted of getting on a treadmill with lots of wires stuck to me. I started off slow and as I proceeded the incline got steeper and the pace got faster. I did learn that I need to start working out again. It has been awhile because of the frozen embryo transfer and then having the chest discomfort and not knowing what it was. However, the results were normal. My blood pressure and heart rate did exactly what they were suppose to do so we are done testing my heart. Dr. Jani wants me to practice deep breathing, meditating, yoga, and take my Xanax when needed. It is good to know that my heart is healthy...that does take a big stressor off of me.

I guess my students and I will be doing a lot of deep breathing in class. At least they are already used to it...I just wish they understood that deep breathing doesn't need to involve a dramatic sound and face.

Adoption Books

I ordered some books through Amazon this weekend..."You Can Adopt: An Adoptive Families Guide", "Adopt Without Debt: Creative Ways to Cover the Cost of Adoption", and "Successful Adoption: A Guide for Christian Families". Hopefully, these books will answer some of our questions, give us a better idea of what to expect, and give us incite into issues we may have not thought about. I've read articles online, but I prefer to have a book in my hand while reading.

I changed the description of our blog. I figured we are moving past the infertility part of our lives and on to another journey! One that I know will also be a roller coaster, but hopefully will have a happier ending!

Doctor Follow Up

I had my follow up appointment today with the doctor for my chest and back issues. The last two days have been much better, so I'm either less anxious and stressed or whatever ailed me is going away...however he wants me to do a stress test. I will go back on Monday, in my workout gear, for it. He wanted me to go in tomorrow morning, but I told him I'm a teacher and seeing how it was already 4:30pm it would be stressful to get a sub and make sub plans for the next morning. So I will be put on a treadmill and they will do whatever a stress test involves. I'm a little nervous seeing as how I haven't worked out in forever because of the frozen embryo transfer in July and then I was scared to because of my chest discomfort.

Oh, and you should see the bruise on my arm from the IV for my CT Scan. It looks like someone repeatedly hit me...fortunately is doesn't hurt. I just tell people Michael beats me. ;)

Only three weeks into school and I think I need a vacation!!

First Approval

We filled out the preliminary application for Bethany Christian Services and it was approved. It really just involved our contact information, what type of child we were willing to adopt, what church we attend, our occupations, etc.. When I sent the application via the internet the response said we would be contacted within two weeks and they would let us know if we had been approved. I told Michael and he said...approved! Yes, we can't have biological children so now we need someone to tell us whether we are fit to be parents.

The next part of the process is to attend a informational meeting on Friday, September 9th. I've put together an adoption binder. It consists of information I find that is helpful and a long list of questions we need answered. I continue to read up on home studies and am doing research on a couple books that might be worth purchasing.

So we had our first approval...hopefully one of many on this journey.

What a week!

The students started back to school on Monday. I've had several long days and I feel like I can't get everything done. It is hard to come back on a full week. My class seems good so far...a little chatty and some energetic boys, but I guess that comes with the age. :)

Today was a hectic one. I went to the doctor this morning because I've been having chest "pains" and pain in my back too. I've been having them for about two weeks, but I'm not one to go running to the doctor and I finally decided I needed to go yesterday. My blood pressure and pulse were both normal so they took blood, and did an ekg, which also looked normal. The blood work results will come back next week. We discussed the fact that I've been on fertility treatments and that one of the side effects of the hormones I've been on are blood clots. We decided that it would be best to rule it out with a CT Scan. After school, I had that done and it came back normal too. (It was an interesting experience...especially when they put the dye in my IV. The dye gives off a warming sensation throughout the whole body and even makes you feel like you have to go the bathroom.)

While all of this is good news, I'm the type of person what wants an answer and all we can figure out right now is that it is due to stress and anxiety. Me? I haven't had any of that lately? LOL...so the doctor prescribed me Xanax and I go back on Thursday for a follow up appointment.

Of course, like usual, I'm worried about the cost of everything I had done today. Just when we think we can start saving money for adoption...we will have a few more medical bills. Although, I do realize that the tests I had done today were worth every penny because it is my health! I have to be healthy so I can be a great mom when we finally bring home our baby. :)

Pregnant Flight 93 Victim Honored by Husband's Lasting Tribute

I logged on to the internet this evening and saw this story on the front page of Yahoo. Michael and I have longed to be parents and we need to be thankful that we still have the opportunity to do just that. My heart broke for this widow, but what a great way to honor his wife's memory. I have grieved over the lose of not being able to have a child, but he has had to go through so much more. After watching the video, I am very thankful for everything I have in my life!
To read the article or watch the video click here. 

New Journey

I made my last visit to Dr. Moore's office this week for my final blood work. My HCG is now at zero. I told Michael I'm not opposed to doing more fertility treatments, but at this point in my life I don't think I can take another one. Maybe down the road it will be something we decide to revisit, but for now we are moving on.

We have decided to adopt. This isn't something we just decided to do in the last couple of days...we have discussed it quite a bit over the last several months. We started researching it and have contacted an agency...Bethany Christian Services. There is so much to learn about the process, many questions we need answered, and so many decisions to be made. It is scary, but exciting too! We are looking forward to this new journey!

The Storm

The sermon today at church couldn't have come at a better time. It was titled "Trusting Jesus in the Storm". The last couple of years have been a "storm". I've been so caught up in it and have wanted  to control everything, but I really didn't have much control over the "storm". I have to keep believing that God has a plan for us and he isn't ready to reveal it. I must admit it has been so hard to trust God when we keep getting disappointed.

While what we have just been dealt has been hard to deal with...the timing worked out well. I've been able to grieve and relax so my body can get back to normal before I go back to work. I know there will still be moments when memories of the "storm" will hit me, but I will do my best to stay strong and allow God to get me through it.

Rock Bottom

The HCG levels in my body have dropped from 213 to 48. Even though I knew this was probably coming...I still had a glimmer of hope. I thought I was pretty well prepared for the results, but it is impossible to be ready for such devastating news.

One miscarriage at 10 weeks, four failed IUI's, one chemical pregnancy with IVF, and another one with FET. I'm physically and emotionally drained! I'm mad, I'm sad, I'm numb, and I'm jealous of every women who has been/or will be blessed with a child.  I've yelled, I've cried, and I just feel like sleeping for hours so I don't have to think. I feel like I have hit rock bottom.

I can finally stop all my meds, but the bleeding and cramps could continue to last for a week or two...fabulous! I will have to go in one more time next week just to make sure all the hormones are out of my body. The good news is I start back to work on Monday so I will stay busy. However, Monday is my birthday and there was nothing I wanted more than a baby.

Results

213...is my HCG. A 25 means you are pregnant. I should be thrilled right? Once again I feel like we are on the road to heartbreak. I've been bleeding and crampy this weekend and today it has been the worst. I took a pregnancy test on Saturday and it was positive so I had an idea that I would be pregnant, but we've not been joyous about it since my bleeding points to another miscarriage. Cherub says I should stay optimistic, but when all we know is disappointment it is very hard!

It is basically another waiting game. I will go in on Wednesday for more blood work. We need to see if my HCG is going down or up. Going down would mean a miscarriage and going up would be great, but concerning because of the heavy bleeding I'm having today.

How do I stay busy and pass the time between now and Wednesday morning? Sitting and feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help anything or change the results. I have a workday with my team Tuesday at school so at least I will keep busy tomorrow.

I will share the results of my blood work on Wednesday. We should definitely know what is going on then.