Scared

                               (Warning: this might be too much information.)
I'm scared of being pregnant and I'm scared of not being pregnant. I'm so emotional this evening...I don't know how I'm going to wait until Monday to find out what is going on. I DON'T like spotting. It brings back too many memories of my miscarriage. I've continued to spot brown and pink since Saturday and it is heavier after I put my progesterone in...so needless to say I don't enjoy those three times each day.

Of course I do what I know I shouldn't and search the web for what might be going on with my body. Many forums say it is normal to have spotting during early pregnancy, but on the other hand I start seeing words like ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancies are when the embryo implants somewhere outside of the uterus...usually in a fallopian tube. One would think this wouldn't occur when you are undergoing IVF, but it is actually quite possible. Some forums also say that spotting is quite common when one is on progesterone suppositories because it can irritate the cervix and lining. Why do I even attempt to find answers on the internet?

I'm scared to get pregnant again because I will be on pins and needles everyday worried that something will happen to my pregnancy causing me to miscarry again. I'm scared of not being pregnant because this is our last chance. If it doesn't work we may never have a biological child and I know I will feel like a failure as a woman.

I need strength to get me through this weekend and to get through whatever the outcome is on Monday because I'm scared of both possibilities.

FET Update

It's been awhile since I have posted. We are in Pennsylvania visiting my mom and step-dad. It has been good to be away from home so I'm not constantly thinking about my pregnancy test, however...I had an emotional morning yesterday... (warning...the following might be too much information)

I have had a brownish color discharge since Saturday and it has shown up a little more each day. I have also had very mild cramps. Now these symptoms could be good or bad. It seems like all symptoms could go one way or the other. I decided to call Cherub just to confirm what I thought she would tell me, but her voicemail said she would be out of the office until Monday so I called down to Charleston. Lynn called me back to confirm that either a) I will have a positive pregnancy test and the discharge is implantation or just what some women have when they are pregnant or b) I will have a negative pregnancy test and it is my period trying to start, but since I'm taking progesterone suppositories it isn't allowing it to. Either way I can't do anything about it and will have to wait and see what the pregnancy test shows.

Technically, I should go in for a test on Friday morning, but since we are flying home that day...I can't. I'm scheduled to go in on Monday morning since they won't be able to run the blood work over the weekend. I said I wouldn't take a HPT (home pregnancy test), but since I'm going in late I may take one this weekend just to prepare myself for Monday. I don't have a very good feeling about it being positive because of what is going on with my body. Plus, I don't have any other positive symptoms...ie. sore boobs, hunger cravings, nauseous. I know all pregnancies are different and it is still very early, but I guess when all we know is disappointment it is so hard to keep having faith when we are thrown so many curve balls.

If I take an HPT this weekend I probably won't post about it until we get the officials results from the blood test. Please continue to pray for us and that our bump in the road is leading us down the path of positive results.

Transfer Day

The picture above are the two precious embryos that are now in my uterus!!! Yes, both of them survived the thawing process! The procedure went smoothly. It helped that I knew what to expect, but I still can't seem to figure out how full my bladder is suppose to be. I always have way too much in it and I have to relieve some of it...not fun trying to relieve only a portion.

Our photo shots before entering the transfer. Michael...always a hoot! Got to love him!

Our room was pretty full today for our procedure. Let me paint a picture for you...I'm laying down with my legs high up and spread open (Sorry if this is too much info, but I want you to get the idea of what women with fertility issues have to go through.) Michael is to the left of me, there is a nurse with the ultrasound "thingy" on my stomach...pressing down on my full bladder, another nurse controlling the ultrasound machine, an intern from MUSC (Medical University of SC), Dr. Slowey in front of me, and Peter the embryologist giving Dr. Slowey the catheter with my embryos inside. The only person not looking at my private parts is Michael...isn't that rather funny. I guess this will only prepare me for birth.

Once again we were able to see the catheter release the embryos into my uterus. The arrow in the picture below is were they are now resting and hopefully getting ready to implant. 

 

We also had good news before we arrived in Charleston....my cell phone rang and I saw it was Southeastern Fertility Center. The first thing that ran through my head was that the embryos didn't survive the thawing process and they were calling to tell us that we didn't need to come. Fortunately, it was MUCH better news. We had payed a portion of our transfer several weeks ago, but hadn't paid the $1,500 that we still owed. I was playing phone tag with the financial lady at the center to get the rest paid. Well come to find out the portion we paid was actually all we owed!!! That immediately put us both in a great mood and on the way home Michael stopped to buy a couple of lottery tickets. :)

Just Hours Away

My massage was fabulous today! I felt like a vegetable when I left. I think I get more out of my massages if I'm able to let go and clear my mind. I was definitely able to do that today. I even took a little nap when I got home. Too bad the fertility center doesn't have a masseuse on staff so patients can go straight from their massage to the transfer room. :)

Excited, nervous, and scared are all the emotions I'm feeling this evening. Will our two precious embryos survive the thawing process? Will at least one of them implant? Will I have another early miscarriage or will I be able to carry full term? These are all questions and thoughts that concern me. I know Michael and I will deal with each as they arise.

I will blog tomorrow afternoon/evening when we get home to let everyone know how our day went. Please keep us in your thoughts in prayers tomorrow as we proceed with our final fertility procedure.

One More Day

I've been trying to stay busy these last few days to keep my mind off of the FET Wednesday. I did some school shopping today...can't believe it is almost time to go back! August 8th will be here before I know it. Tomorrow I'm going to do my yoga routine in the morning and enjoy every minute of my massage in the afternoon! (Thanks to my third grade team for the gift card...I'm finally using it.)

I found a blog a couple of days ago that I've really enjoyed reading. It is written by a woman whose story is very similar to mine. She did her first IVF, got pregnant, but had an early miscarriage just like we did. She was able to freeze four embryos and they did an FET with two of them. She got pregnant and is expecting her little boy the end of this month. She is also a teacher. I love reading stories of success when it comes to fertility treatments! It puts me in a positive frame of mind and makes me think that there is still hope for us.

Sharps Collector

I've been cleaning out and organizing our closets and drawers this summer and came across my sharps collector. I was curious how many syringes were in it so I dumped it out...probably not a wise idea, but none of the needles were exposed. This is what I dumped out...

Most of these were only used for one round of IVF. I can't imagine going through this multiple times like some women do. The amount of syringes would be ridiculous!

The small white caps are the needles that we placed on the Follistim Pen and the small syringes were used with my Lupron. The big syringes were my trigger shots or HCG. These were administered shortly before our IVF and IUI procedures. Hard for me to believe that Michael/I gave me so many shots.

I guess it is time to turn my sharps collector over to the doctor's office...since I won't be giving myself anymore shots.

WE ARE ON GO!

My transfer will be next Wednesday, July 20th at 11:15am!!!!!! I'm ecstatic! Only one more hurdle to face before the transfer...whether the embryos survive the thawing process? I continue to pray that they do, but we won't know until we arrive in Charleston on Wednesday morning.

I continue to take my Estrace (estrogen) and now I get to start the lovely progesterone suppositories...not once a day, not twice, but three times a day. I'm glad we already had our beach vacation! :)

I'm going to relax, relax, relax between now and then! I've been trying to do that all summer by reading, doing yoga, and trying to stay stress free. I already have my massage booked for Tuesday so I will be completely ready for the transfer!

Waiting...

I should know in the next couple of hours if we are on go or not. My lining measures 6.7mm so Cherub says I'm on the cusp. (I feel like I'm always on the cusp...none of my fertility results seem to be black and white. They are always a shade of gray.) They like for the lining to measure between a 6.5mm and 7mm, at this point. Dr. Slowey will look at my blood work too and make a decision. The blood work will give them a better idea of how to proceed because they can look at my hormone levels...so we shall see. My phone is glued to my side!

Countdown to Thursday

Only one more day until I know whether or not our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) will take place on the 20th.  I've been taking my estrogen like clockwork so hopefully it is assisting in making my uterine lining nice and thick! I'm currently taking two Estrace pills three times a day. I haven't really experienced any side effects so that has been nice. I found an article today titled Increase Uterine Lining with Estrogen Type Foods...too bad I hadn't read this before now.

I'm so hopeful that Thursday will bring good news. I'm not exactly sure how thick they want my uterine lining to be for the transfer to occur on time, but I'm hoping my body has made it happen. My ultrasound is scheduled at 8:15am...please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as we face this step in the FET procedure.

I found a penny this morning at the gas station...hopefully it will bring me luck on Thursday.  

Blueberry Picking

Michael and I went blueberry picking. I've picked my own strawberries before, but not blueberries. I felt like I was going to turn into a blueberry while we were picking because I kept eating them...they were so yummy! We picked five pounds and they were only $1.25 per pound...so cheap compared to the ones you buy in the store and so much tastier. (The couple that was checking out when we got there picked 16 pounds!)

Now you may ask...what are they going to do with five pounds? Well, I made some fantastic blueberry muffins, a couple of smoothies, and I'm going to freeze the rest.

Five Pounds of Blueberries

 The muffin recipe I used is called "To Die for Blueberry Muffins". 

"To Die for Blueberry Muffins"

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Fourth of July!

235 years ago...on July 4th, 1776

This great nation, The United States of America,

In a struggle for what was right and free

Was proudly born...

May we celebrate that precious freedom

For which our forbears fought so bravely

The freedom that is inherent

In the Stars and Stripes, our revered flag

Celebrate Freedom

This Fourth of July!

Woohoo!

Woohoo! I started my cycle this morning...right on time!! First hurdle of our transfer...check! I have never been more excited to have cramps and my cycle begin. I took my first Estrace (estrogen) pill this morning, and I will take another one this evening. The dosage will go up every few days. Bring on the side effects of being bloated and moody! Tricia, I'm sure you are happy to hear this...since I'm coming your way. :)

The Little Couple

I've watched this show all four seasons it has been on and love it! If you aren't familiar with it it is about a "little" couple and their daily lives. Jen is a doctor (neonatologist) and Bill is a business man. They live in Houston and for the most part are an ordinary couple. They are trying to start a family and decide that it would be too complicated if Jen carried a baby so they have decided to have a baby through a surrogate.  Jenn has to go through the retrieval stage of IVF...which is basically everything I did except when they transfer the embryos it will be into another woman.

The last couple episodes have been so heart wrenching! They started this season with their third attempt to get eggs. I can't imagine having to go through so many meds, ultrasounds, and blook work only to have the cycle canceled. On this cycle, Jen had two follicles, but they did an ultrasound right before she went into the OR and she had lost one. They rushed her into the OR so they could get the second one. In the 15 minutes it took them to get her ready for the procedure, she had ovulated. Oh, my heart broke for her! I can't imagine!

Last episode, they were on the fourth attempt. She had two follicles they would be draining to extract the eggs. I forgot to mention a normal woman is put to sleep during this procedure, but she couldn't be because she has a difficult airway. I felt so bad for her as I heard her during the procedure. Every time the doctor tried to get the follicle the ovary would disappear into her abdomen. He finally got one! One...I would have been heart broken, but they were ecstatic! I guess it only takes one! Fortunately, the one egg fertilized to form an embryo which they froze until they are ready to transfer it into the surrogate.

This show has really made me appreciate the journey we have been on. No, I don't have a baby, but I could be up against greater obstacles than I currently am. I haven't had to cancel any cycles due to my body not responding to the meds, I don't have to travel thousands of miles to my fertility doctor (Houston to LA), and I'm of normal size.

Like any story I hear of a couple struggling with infertility, I wish them all the luck in the world. I hope the surrogate that Jen and Bill choose is very fertile and is able to carry their baby without any complications!

The Little Couple (Click to learn more about the show.)