Really?

Throughout this journey of trying to have a child, I have had good and bad days. Unfortunately, today was a not so good day. I decided that since it has been a month since our adoption training I would email the agency to see if they could give us a time frame of when our home study would start. I was nervous about the answer, but hopeful it would be good. I'm glad I didn't check my email until after school because it wasn't what I wanted to read. They have several more home studies to complete before they start ours so it looks like we have a few more months to wait...

Really? I'm so tired of waiting!!!!! I WANT A BABY!!! I don't know how else to say it anymore. I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of grieving, I'm tired of bad news...I'm just exhausted!

When? When does our good news come? When do we get to be parents? When will I be emotionally drained with exciting times and not sad ones?

This has been the hardest journey I have ever been on...not to mention the longest...3 1/2 years and counting.

What felt like a kick in the gut was that on top of the news about the home study...my cycle started! I knew I wasn't going to be pregnant...I've come to grips with that, but it felt like someone was playing a sick joke on me.

Today's post is not about being patient, it is not about me trying to stay hopeful...it is just me venting! I really needed to after the day I've had!

Thankful for...

I am thankful for many things in my life (in no particular order)...

1. My loving parents, step-parents, and in-laws! I'm very fortunate to have such a good relationship with all of them.

2. My wonderful, loving husband who doesn't mind cooking...since I hate it. :)

3. My health and the health of my family.

4. My sister...even though we are very different and disagree at times...I love her! 

4. My fabulous friends!

5. My adorable and cuddly kitty...Trixie!

6. That my 93 year old grandma is still in good health...I can only hope my mom will be around that long and that their genes were passed to me!

7. Summer vacations with my family!

8. My teaching job...although it can sometimes be challenging dealing with students and parents...I love working with 3rd graders!

9. The adoptive parents I have met since we started this journey. They are great resources and supporters! 

10. A roof over my head, food on the table, and the funds to live with the necessities I need. 

11. The ability to adopt a baby who is in need of a loving home and family!

I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving and take time to be thankful for all the wonderful things in your life!

Wise Words

I received some wise words from an adoptive parent this evening who was wondering how I was doing. She said..."You are a mom, God put your baby in your heart, you are just waiting for him to put your baby in your arms." She also said..."Don't ever think you didn't go through "labor". You are going through it now." The thoughts she shared with me really made me stop and think. This has been a long and hard labor! My body may not be changing physical, but it is changing emotionally.

I'm really rather pathetic...Our school had their talent show last night and watching all those cute children perform, with proud parents watching and cheering them on, made me emotional because it is something I have longed for for so long.

I have to go to the OBGYN tomorrow for my yearly exam, and I'm not really looking forward to it...not for reasons most women hate to go, but because I don't really want to be around a bunch of happy pregnant women. The office also reminds me of all the visits I had to make during my short 10 week pregnancy, when I was having complications, and when she finally told me the baby's heart stopped beating.

I continue to try to stay positive and patient. I know that our baby is waiting to be placed in our arms and home. He/she will be surrounded and smothered with so much love!

Day of Shopping

We spent all day yesterday in Charlotte shopping and watching football. It was nice to get out of town for a little while. We shopped at IKEA (one of my favorite places), took time out at Buffalo Wild Wings (one of Michael's favorite places) to watch OSU and USC, and did some more shopping at Concord Mills, an indoor outlet mall.

We haven't shopped much lately, since we have been trying to save money, but I did buy a few things for myself at LOFT Outlet. I figure once a baby comes I won't be spending any money on myself, so I can splurge a little now. I've never really noticed people's strollers before, but every time we passed one I would try to check it out.

While at Ikea we did buy our first item for the nursery...2 thin, white picture ledges. We  have a long black one in our bedroom and I love it. There was also the cutest stuffed elephant, but we passed on it

This isn't our shelf, but this is the one we bought..minus the pictures.

We bought a paint sample a few weeks ago and I painted a little of the wall today so we can get a feel for whether we like it or not. Hopefully...we will paint the room sometime soon!

References

All of our references received their forms this past week!! This is a step in the right direction! Thanks for being a part of our adoption process!

Holiday Season

We had lots of trick-or-treaters last night. I didn't have much candy left, but what was left I took to school for my treat box. I love seeing all the pictures of friends with their children dressed up for Halloween! All the children are so cute in their costumes and family pictures. While looking at them I started to get a little sad.

Halloween seems to be the start of a busy holiday season that can be emotional at times. This will be our 4th holiday season since trying to have a child. Every year around this time I always think...we will surely have a child by this time next year and of course I'm starting to think that way. Once again our Christmas card will only consist of Michael and myself while we will receive card after card of family pictures.

I know 2012 will be a great year for us! We have been on a very long journey and I know it will have a happy ending eventually. When will that happy ending come? I don't know, but I know we are headed down the right path and we have to continue to be patient. It continues to be a struggle at times, but it will be worth it in the end. I'm going to continue to believe that surely we will have a child by this time next year and a holiday season to share with a third Rataiczak.